Why your relationship with the sexy, hot, rich, famous superstar writer you had no business fucking in the first place failed. (Or Valleywag Sandwiches)

So a couple of days ago I broke up with my girlfriend.

Because she’s way more smarter/famous/richer than me, the few who knew about our relationship all wondered how I fucked up.

Being a modern man is sooo hard.

When we would go out in public strangers would come up to me and whisper asking if that was really [redacted]. Her fans were always women with that look in their eyes. They always made me a bit nervous, as I would think Stephen King fans would make his wife a tad bit uneasy.

But that’s not why we broke up.

We broke up because of something that could only happen in the 21st Century.

The inadvertent text message.

texting

Sparing the details, I sent the right message to the wrong girl (or the wrong message to the right girl) causing an explosions of emotions which ended with our relationship a post-Clinton Sarajevo.

We’re still friends. We still call each other everyday. But as she eloquently put it (being a writer and all) ” the fragile bubble I felt like I was in when I was with you popped and reality leaked in.”

To me, (not being a writer and all) it feels like the new Valleywag.

All relationships fail for the same reason. It doesn’t matter if it’s with a cellphone company or a sexy, hot, rich, famous superstar writer you had no business fucking in the first place.

Someone isn’t getting what they want.

So here’s how you can fix it.

“Dude, I asked for extra mayo.”

“Sorry”

By acknowledging you screwed up and being polite you may keep the customer. But the sandwich better be good because he will be open to visit other sandwich shops.

“Dude, I asked for extra mayo.”

“Sorry about that, here’s a free soda.”

Since the penance far exceeded the crime, you now may have a customer for life. You bite the cost of the Mountain Dew to be able to overcharge him for roast beef and bread tomorrow.

Penance is good. But be careful. And don’t go too far.

“Dude, I asked for extra mayo.”

“Sorry. Here are they keys to the store and you can just make your own sandwich whenever you want free of charge.”

“Um,thanks, but if I wanted to make a sandwich why would I come to your store?

Always make sure that the punishment fits the crime.

Which brings us to the crust (pun intended) of the modern age.

How many Hail Marys for a bad text message?

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8 Comments on “Why your relationship with the sexy, hot, rich, famous superstar writer you had no business fucking in the first place failed. (Or Valleywag Sandwiches)”

  1. Constance A. Says:

    I think the reason you lose girlfriends and wives may have to do with a bit more than sandwiches.

  2. chartreuse Says:

    I’m sure there’s much more. But I’ll stick to the sandwiches!

  3. William Basker Says:

    I love this site! The way you make the routine life lessons into business lessons is a rare art. And your writing is superb.

    Buy the girl so flowers but not a ring!


  4. Ah, the inadvertent text message, the death knoll of the modern age, expanding our ability to put out foot in our mouths at any point in time, able to be easily distributed to anyone, whereas previously we were restricted to just the times where someone was right there in front of us and able to hear our thoughts.

    I simply hope you get what you want. Maybe it won’t happen right now, but at some point….

  5. ashley Says:

    i hate my ex

  6. Lewis Says:

    When i whent out with this girl i realy loved it was like a dream or something. Well eny way it was this house party and she came to and that i was so exised becuse we was gonna have some fun that night (If you know what i mean) well so i was i bit late becuse i needed to go to my nan (it was a bit gay)and when i got there i asked where she was and thay said she was up stairs so i whent up stairs and i opend the door and she was doing it with another man so ive nenver lover again.

  7. Jade Says:

    Just buy girl losts of LLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVVVV


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